Wednesday, August 6, 2008

what a small cyberworld huh?!

Saya merasakan bahawa saya tiada life!
actually cyberworld nih pon takde la besar mane pon kan?.ble sy blog hopping,sy jumpe byk interesting blogs (wpon blog2 ini tak di-link ke blog sy,tp sy bc blog mereka everyday)and bc punye bc,rupenye mereka berkawan dgn org yg kenal.sy kenal ramai org,tp sekadar kenal jelah.nk kata kwn2 tu tak adelah kan.I'm a boring person that ble sy kluar/jumpe/ckp/terserempak/etc sesetengah so called kenalan sy nih,sy bleh bleh nampak sinar kebosanan di muka mereka.sy tahu sy kaku dan membosanakan tp apa bleh sy bt?ini diri sy,kalau saya ubah pon ia hanya akan nampak sgt fake and pretentious.tp org2 yg tunjuk sinar kebosanan nih adalah org yg sy admire gaya hidup/cara pembawakan diri mereka...sy cuba jugak bt2 cool,atau weird atau smart atau hilarious atau peramah atau funny tp terasa macam ada pisau kt tepi leher,sgt tak selesa,sgt kaku dan so not me. mungkin penyelesaian terbaik adalah utk jd diri sendiri,tetapi itu bermakna,sy knelah jd kera sumbang!SV juga tunjuk sinar tersebut,hah kan susah tu?jd apakah penyelesaiannye?berubah pon tak selesa dan jd diri sendiri pon seksa sbb i will keep on criticizing myself.

ok berbalik kpd statement di atas tu,sy rasa sy takde life sbb;
  • sy tak duduk kt starbucks/dome/coffee bean,bli secawan kopi,snap some photos and masukkan dlm friendster/facebook/etc.bila sy terasa nk minum,sy bli tp bkn everyday/week.once in a blue moon je i would say.sy maseh rasa secawan starbucks daily is too expensive for my lifestyle.
  • ble sy tgk baju/sale sy tidaklah teruja mane untuk bli.bleh dikatakan sy,tak reti shopping.sy hanye pegi shopping complex untuk makan/bli toiletries/watch movie
  • sy tak ramai kawan and sy takde my own circle of friends.takde,mmg takde.
  • sy tak kluar dating dgn my other half slalu.jln2,mcm couple lain.he's too busy i pon susah nk kluar.
  • setiap hari sy bgn pagi pegi lab and ptg/mlm balik umah dr lab,mkn & tgk tv kejap and then tido.most of the time,tak tgk tv pon tido je sbb too tired.
  • weekend,if tak pegi lab,dok umah tgk tv,masak,or kadang2 pegi ou/curve with my siblings
  • sy sgt susah nk biasakan diri dgn org yg sy br kenal or tak rapat.sy lebih suka tarik diri je if tak kenal/tak selesa.
point2 ini boleh membantu anda menjawab soalan ini
ini pula adalah bukti my attempt untuk jd an interesting person tp berjaya ke?

at one point,sy hanye tidak kisah pasal hal2 remeh ini.tak lama dulu,dlm bulan lepas.i was happy with myself and my life had improved.sy mahu tidak kesah semula.sy rasa perasaan ini semacam suatu petanda buruk!sbb dulu2 waktu sy messed up dulu,perasaan inilah yg menjadi pendorongnye.inferiority can ruin your life,trust me!it once ruined mine...and it's haunting me again.
i do not want to feel inferior ever again.

Dear miss INFERIORITY,
I don't need you anymore!i had live with you for too long.I dedicated my life to you but what have you done to me in return?You ruined my life!I was silly to let you control my life.You fooled me into thinking that you are like 'miss down to earth'.you erased the feeling of thankful and grateful from my heart and you even refrained me from being happy and content with myself.it's time to get rid of you!i let you in and so now,i'm going to kick ur ass out of my life!so long miss inferiority!

talking about controlling my life,u pon sama jugak miss fucking superstitious!!get the hell out of my life!!!
alangkah nikmatnye if kte bleh get rid of feelings cara mcm ni.maki and halau them keluar.
masalahnye depa ni bukannye paham bahasa,kata tak skolah kan?the feelings will be there,it will always and forever be in me and with me.so all i can do is to never let these feelings to penetrate my mind and influence me...i have to be more firm with myself...

i'm not being fickle minded here.one minute not ok and in the next pargraph ok and start to motivate diri sendiri.i'm just using this blog as a medium for me to rectify my problems and next find solutions for it.sometimes it works quite well,u know.i guess when everything is being jumbled up in our mind,it's difficult for us to see the clearer picture.just like emptying your fat full pencil case on your table when you are trying to find a dead ant yg tersesat in it.paham tak?sometimes the things yg we make so much fuss tu actually,alahai kecik sgt and not that significant.so what if there's a dead ant in your pencil case,rite?i pon tak paham sgt apa cuba nk sampaikan nih.tulah dah tau tak reti,lg nk guna metaphore.hopefully next time i baca my entry nih i dapatle the message i'm trying to convey here,now...so if miss inferior or miss superstitious ever pays a visit,i can read this entry and i kick them out!amacam ok tak?

2 comments:

the ectopy said...

ala, relax, you are not alone and its totally normal to feel that way because i do feel like that sometimes and i know im normal...
cyberworld is a small world. :)

miss sha said...

Thank you,miss ectopy..but don't you just hate it when u feel that way?menyampah kan?